in my own skin...

So, the past several months I've found that I care a lot less what other people think about me and a lot more about what God thinks about me. It's been WONDERFUL! The Lord isn't nearly as picky about the nuances of my person but how purely I love his children and his Son. Still, I was struck with the thought of whether I should ever truly be comfortable in my own skin. In one sense I should be because it's who God made me and I should never wish that I were anyone else. Yet, I am an imperfect project constantly being renewed, altered, sanctified and so I should never get too comfortable for the fear of the imperfect project ending prematurely.

So, my resolve is to always be comfortable with the ever dynamic state of my skin. Too wordy? A little strange? We're are aliens (foreigners) in this world and we will always feel like we're just visiting, longing for home, when all things will be made new, perfect, simple, beautiful. So, I'm stuck with my skin for now and rather than feeling like a prisoner I'm going to take my freedom to be me to the bank and enjoy how God has specifically sculpted me. I think he's proud that I like myself.

Only by grace am I comfortable with my ever sactified, chameleon like skin.

The Faithfulness of God, Patience and uterus all gone?

It's been 12 days since Jude Elijah was born. The first 5 were a whirlwind/nightmare. The last 7 have been better but still probably the most difficult time in my life. He was born with a rare joint disorder called Arthrogryposis. It literally means stiffening of the joints. It has affected most all of his joints and he also has severe scoliosis too. I'm utterly speechless at how many ways the Lord God has answered prayers lifted by us and so many hundreds of others. It's grand! Yet I slump back into a rhythm of bitterness, sadness and longing related to what what was lost and how it will never be regained until kingdom come. God is faithful; period. No buts, objections or addendums. So, what's my prob? Well, I'm impatient. I want what I want when I want it and God is not cooperating with me. Not that he has to but it certainly frustrates my agenda. Pretty gutsy, huh? Well, I'm better known for my spunk than for my sagacity. It's been 12 days and my nipples are soooo sore, my hormones are raging, NONE of my old clothes fit me (which is infinitely more depressing than I thought it'd be) and I've had a pseudo period for the last almost 2 weeks! It feels more like 2 months but nope, it's only been 12 days!!!! Jude was 10 days late. We waited 4 months to see what kinds of issues he was going to have, he was in the NICU for 5 days after he was born, we will have had to wait 2 weeks for an appointment with an Ortho specialist to tell us the plan of action for the next 6-12 months....and on and on. Can you tell I'm impatient. Do you blame me? I feel like I've had quite a bit of practice these days. I've had my fill and I'm ready to move on. Also, I've been on the prayer list at Bible study for like 4 years now to pray for my control issues. I'm been praying that the Lord would help me to surrender my desires to be the boss of everything. I'm getting my prayers answered I guess. This is the proverbial "be careful what you pray for because you just might get it" sitch. Oy.

The final note is about my toddler. While I was pregnant I told her that I couldn't really pick her up because I had a baby in my uterus but when the baby was born I could pick her up as much as she wanted. She's really cashing in on that promise. I think she's gained about 10 pounds since I said that but it's good for my biceps. Most every time I pick her up she smiles and looks at me and says "No more uterus, mommy?" I correct her and tell her that I still have my uterus but the baby is out now so I can pick her up but for some reason it isn't clicking that the uterus is separate from the baby so she persists in telling me that I don't have a uterus any more now that baby Jude is out. I appreciate the giggle. The more there are the better off I am.

Off to sleep for a few hours.

What's Good for the Heart

Ever heard of a buddamahonkey? Me either until a few days ago when my 4 year old referred to her rear end as one. We all have one and everybody should say buddamahonkey at least once in their lives. There are some words that make me giggle and smile. This is one of them. Another one is weevil [Any of numerous beetles, that characteristically have a downward-curving snout and are destructive to nuts, fruits, stems, and roots.] So, it's a bug. It's just a silly word. I elongate the "ee" part to "eeeeeee" so it sounds like "weeeeeeeeevel". Proverbs says that a cheerful heart is good medicine. Being able to laugh at silly words, at myself, at the beautifully experimental things my kids say is my good medicine. I know I am taking life too seriously when I can't find the humor in it. So, get your buddamahonkey outta the mud and have a little giggle about nothing at all. My heart feels better already.